make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
