Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
