Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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