if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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