Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
