Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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