matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I CAN MOONWALK!
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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