I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize