I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
