I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
