I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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