Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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