the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
