what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
