And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
