I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
