Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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