We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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