yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
