My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Boobs speak an international language.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize