He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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