I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Randomize
