How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
