you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
