i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Pants are for mortals
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
