I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
