I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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