this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
