I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize