Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
