so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
