Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
