If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
