my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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