It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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