Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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