We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
