How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
