I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
