areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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