Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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