Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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