"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
