If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize