remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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