If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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