My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
