On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
