I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
