Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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