You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
