Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
