you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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