I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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