Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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