You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize