Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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