What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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