the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
